A reader named Julie wrote and asked, "How can I organize around different personalities in my home? I know everyone isn't like me, nor can I expect them to be. I just want to blend our personalities for a more efficiently run home!" Julie, this is a very common question and unfortunately, there's no single right answer. But there is one thing that I will say works almost 100% of the time...
and that one thing (okay technically it's two) is conversation and compromise. Clear, direct, and gentle communication is your first step to achieving any change in any relationship. Whether you're dividing up the household responsibilities or deciding where to relocate. The time to approach the conversation about change is NOT when you're in the middle of a heated debate, or during some other emotionally charged event. Sit down when everyone is calm and rational and bring whatever the issue is to the table.
Express what your challenge/frustration/pain is about the situation, and begin by saying, "I know together, we can come up with a good solution that will work for everyone." And then get your idea machine crankin'. Let your partner know what you're willing to do, how you're willing to help make it work and then let them share what they're willing to do to make it work. Here's an example of a successful solution-building conversation:
HE: It really bothers me when you come in the house and drop the mail on the counter and it sits there for weeks piling up.
SHE: I know I do that, and I'm sorry. It bothers me too but I just feel so overwhelmed with it that I can't deal with it every day! I know together we can come up with a good solution that will work for both of us. What are some ideas we can start with?
HE: How about we put a big basket on the counter and we put all the mail into it? At least that will keep it contained.
SHE: That's a good idea, but it'll still build up even if it's in a basket.
HE: How about we agree that we'll throw away the junk mail and catalogs every day when the mail comes in? This way, even if we leave the rest of the mail in the basket all week it will be a lot smaller pile.
SHE: That's a good idea, but what if I want to look through the catalogs?
HE: Ok, how about we keep catalogs but not junk mail or credit card offers?
SHE: Mmmm, okay, that sounds good.
HE: What else can we do to make a system?
SHE: How about if we start sorting the mail and pulling out any action items on Saturday mornings? We're usually here Saturday morning having coffee anyway. Would you be willing to do that with me?
HE: Sure, I can do that.
SHE: Cool. Hey, as long as we're sorting every Saturday, we may as well pay any bills then, too.
HE: Yeah, I hate keeping all the bills to pay at the end of the month anyway.
SHE: So our new system is three steps. First, we'll get a nice basket for the counter to containerize the mail. Second, we agree that whoever gets the mail pitches out the junk mail and shreds all credit card offers. Third, we go through the mail together every Saturday morning over coffee. and pay whatever bills are in the pile right then.
HE: Great. That was pretty easy.
This is a simple conversation to have about almost any subject, just be sure you each remain emotionally neutral and are willing to help come up and participate in the solution. Kids are great at brainstorming solutions too, so definitely get them involved in the process. And remember, your systems -- whatever challenges they address or however you create them -- MUST be easy to implement and maintain on an ongoing basis or they'll break down and you'll be right back where you started.
