CAGE MATCH! Stuff VS Relationships

This post republished with permission from Unclutterer. View the original post here.

On a recent episode of A&E's Hoarders a key concept was brought to light by my dear friend and hoarding expert Dorothy Breininger. The important concept is stuff versus relationships. It's so sad to see these folks choosing their stuff over the people in their lives. To those of us watching at home it makes no sense. So what are the reasons?

In my industry, I often see people who have a history of choosing stuff over people. It's not just hoarders who do it, either. People often choose the comfort of stuff over relationships because relationships can be scary. People can reject you. People are sometimes critical and judgmental. People can be mean, insensitive and heartless. People can leave you, abandon you and disappoint you. But your stuff never will.

Stuff is secure. Stuff is a safe haven to emotionally invest in, because your stuff will never hurt you, leave you, reject or disappoint you.

Until it chokes the life out of you.

I've been abandoned, hurt, betrayed, insulted, criticized, judged, made fun of, and rejected. We've all experienced those things. But when you have a choice, which you always do, I want you to choose people. Choose love. Choose friendship. Choose your life. 

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Comments

[Chris]

I don't disagree with you post at all. However, I can't explain this one:

My brother is saving his ex-wife's wedding gown, it wasn't a great marriage. His new wife if forced to see it daily. How is saving this type of item not a constant reminder of feeling hurt and betrayal?

He hoards many other things as well, the house is a complete battlefield of stuff.

What is your take on why someone would hold on to something "negative"?

Thanks

[Monica Ricci]

Chris,
First I want to point out that we all hold pieces of our past, and I personally have my wedding album from my first marriage. Granted, I don't have the photos framed and hanging on the wall for my current husband to see. But I do have the album in a box in the closet, because even though that marriage ended, it is still a part of my history and like it or not, was part of what shaped my life and future choices. I choose not to get rid of that small piece of it and my current husband has no issues with me keeping it. Incidentally, if he did have issues with it, THAT would be an issue for me.

As for your brother's situation... there are always at least two ways to look at a situation. On one hand, if his first marriage ended badly not by his choice, but because of the actions of his wife, perhaps on some level he is keeping the dress because deep down, he still loves the person he married and the dress is a symbol of what their marriage was and could have been, if not for her actions. (Sort of the way we keep old love letters.)

On another hand, he may just be keeping it because he likes to "keep stuff". The dress may not have as much emotional weight as you assume it does. If he has hoarding tendencies, it may just be another "thing" to him that represents his past. It may simply be a memory peg, as everything else is for him.

My question would be how does his hoarding affect his current wife, her mental state and their relationship? If it's a problem for her and their relationship, that's when it becomes an issue worth working on. I hope this is helpful.

~Monica

[Chris]

Thanks Monica,

Yes he is a hoarder. When his new wife and teenage son moved in, he moved nothing. The son doesn't even have a closet to hang his clothes in, they are hanging from a rope in his room. The stairwell is also full of clutter, creating a hazard.

They have several problems within their relasionship, the hoarding is becoming an increasing area of contention.

According to his wife "Patty" when they have spoken about cleaning her "understands". Once the day arrives becomes bed-ridden with a migraine and no work is done. She has not been given an opportunity to make the house theirs in any way. In fact, when she tries to move something, there is a story, a memory and a reason why it needs to stay right where it is or must remain in the house. What is especially frustrating to her is when that item was from his first marriage.

I mentioned to her she should start watching the show "Hoarders" so she can gain a better understanding of the disease and find some comfort that she is not alone in her struggle.

I believe her husband is in need of cognitive-behavioral therapy...

Thank you for your insight!

[Mark Arnold]

Relationships can be harder to manager but are more fulfilling than "stuff". Think huge to realize the true essence of the relationships and prioritizing stuff that compliments those relationships.