When I was a kid, I always looked forward to watching legendary comic Jerry Lewis host the annual Muscular Dystrophy Association Telethon. Year after year I marveled at his energy, enthusiasm and obvious love for the people the fundraiser benefitted. Year after year I’d wait for those exciting moments when Jerry would update the tote board, showing how much money had been raised so far. And year after year, the phrase “Give til it hurts” was a recurring theme. As a kid, I thought the concept seemed so noble but as an adult, I’m not so fond of it.
Let me clarify. I have nothing against Jerry or the telethon. They're doing wonderful work and the event is MDA's single biggest fundraiser. And I’m all about giving. I think it’s one of the best ways a person can contribute to the world and feel great about being part of a community. Giving and doing for others is a wonderful way to take your mind off your own challenges and focus on something besides yourself. But giving til it hurts?
Too often, I meet clients whose lives are in chaos because for too long, they’ve subscribed to the concept of giving til it hurts. Moms are particularly susceptible because there are so many opportunities to give -- work, school, kids extra-curricular activities, church, and social / civic organizations, to name a few. Combine the abundant opportunities to give, with the challenge of saying NO, and you have a recipe for overwhelm.
Volunteering and taking care of people is a wonderful thing to a point, but when you’re always busy doing for others, you often have little left to give to yourself and your family. Your life and home fall into disarray and chaos, which only adds more stress to the mix. The only way to get off this scary ride is to slow down and take some commitments off your plate so you can function again. Giving til it hurts doesn't do anybody any good, least of all you and the people who rely on you.
This is when your ability to say no isn’t just convenient – it’s a life-saving skill. Some people are great at it, while others feel so guilty that they can never say it. If you’re in the latter category and need help saying no, here are three simple ways to shift your mindset so you can actually feel good about declining those ever-present opportunities to serve:
1. Give A Gift. If you tend to spearhead projects or sign up to be the president of every club you join, think for a moment about someone else. When you say NO you give others an opportunity to take leadership and grow.
2. No Really Means Yes. The quality of your life is all about the choices you make. Every time you say NO, you automatically give yourself more time and mental energy to focus on the things you’ve already committed to. Saying NO to some things allows you to say YES to other things.
3. Put Your Mask On First. Just before takeoff, the flight attendant says “Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.” It’s because she knows that when you’re passed out on the floor you can’t help anyone else and you may even be in the way. When you say NO, you’re doing the same thing; you’re protecting your own ability to function because if you’re stretched too thin, stressed out and depeleted, you’re no good to anyone else.
So the next time you have an opportunity to take on something you either don’t have an interest in, or simply don’t have time for, remember this: You’re not saying no TO someone else, you’re saying it FOR yourself, your family, your sanity and your quality of life.
What are you willing to consider giving up this year?
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